Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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