I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
