woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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