how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
