he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
