OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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