So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
