My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
