someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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