Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
