Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My vagina is officially offended.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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