Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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