mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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