she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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