3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
