last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He has the fingertips of a God
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