I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
