Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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