I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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