I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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