I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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