I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
