Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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