Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
