I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
