Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
