so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
