you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
