The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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