I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
