get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
