Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just want nice things and good sex
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
