if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
