when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
