i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
