I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
