omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize