you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
