Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
