Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
