Please don't use social media to get back at me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
