Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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