just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
