Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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