I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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