My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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