hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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