My first STD was from a foam party
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
