sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
im about as happy as oj after his trial
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The feeling are messing with the penis
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
