So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize