We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
