he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
