Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
