You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize