I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
