I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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