I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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