did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize