i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
